Stolen Dreams
by Sailor Panda
Summary: Painful regrets...told from first person pov as one watches the happiness of two others.


It hurts.  
  
To watch them together from the shadows, to take in the sight of the dark black of her hair entwine with his fairer strands as they embrace, to see their happiness when they're with each other, to be witness as she does all she can to make him happy even though I know that her presence is all he needs.  
  
I know because what he needs is the same thing that I do.  
  
But he's the only one who has it.  
  
Pain, corrosive and consuming, builds within me every time I see them together. It's an agonizing feeling, a slashing thing that claws at my insides, and there are times when it's too unbearable for any words to describe and I know that I should turn away or make myself known to them, anything but staying hidden and watching, torturing myself with the sight of them.  
  
I should but I can't.  
  
I can't keep myself from watching.  
  
Him.  
  
Her.  
  
Them.  
  
I just can't seem to help myself from spying on the one came from another time who should have been mine being so happy with the one I hate.  
  
My half-brother.  
  
It's always seems to come back to him.  
  
Once again, he's taken something that I wanted, even though I didn't realize how much it would mean to me at the time. He's always done that, that bastard I happen to be related to by blood, ever since we were younger and growing up together, decades ago. So long ago but some things just never seem to change because he was still taking things that should belong to me.  
  
And the bitterest part of that to swallow is that, this time, it's the most important object there'd ever been in my life.  
  
Her.  
  
Kagome.  
  
Who would have thought I'd come so far from the time I first met her to now, to care about her like I do, to have her face haunt me in my dreams and waking moments as I regret what might have been if I'd only noticed my feelings sooner, to confess first and have her turn to me instead of him?  
  
Not me. No, most definitely not me.  
  
It's insane to fall in love with someone you once tried to kill, isn't it?  
  
Well, isn't it?  
  
But, in the end, not so impossible it seems.  
  
After all, he has her now.  
  
Once upon a time, he had tried to kill her, too, to get her out of the way because she had been holding something else that he had desired more than her at the time. It's a feeling that I know all too well, to be focused on obtaining some other object only to be blindsided by her, to slowly come to want her more than anything else. I had been taken completely by surprise when I finally realized just how much she meant to me and, somehow, I know he had been, too. Though I hate him more than anyone else, I also know how similar we are, sharing more than just the bonds of blood granted to us by our father.  
  
Maybe that's part of the reason why I hate him so much.  
  
After all, despite how alike we are, knowing that it could have been me with her instead of him, he's the one who received her love in return, he's the one holding her in his arms -  
  
I could kill them both.  
  
My claws flex as the insidious thought worms its way into my mind, feeding off my rage at seeing them together, happy when I'm so miserable as I continue to watch them take comfort in each other's presence.  
  
I can take my revenge for being given these horrible feelings roiling through me - rid myself of having to see them together as a couple before my eyes.  
  
With one slash of my claws I can have both of their bodies thudding to the earth, have their blood mingling as the dirt beneath them soaks it up to nourish the plants it gives life to -  
  
Eradicate their existence from this world.  
  
It's a tantalizing thought that teases the darker part of me that's easily stirred to rage, a part that all those bearing youkai blood are subject to and can be consumed by if they lack the control to restrain it. It would be so, so easy to give in to the call.  
  
To attack.  
  
To destroy.  
  
To kill what it is that offends me.  
  
I could.  
  
I can.  
  
But it's useless.  
  
The evil thought is best given up before it takes root, for a variety of reasons.  
  
Despite how much I hate him, I have to admit that he has good instincts and can block any attacks I might make against him, against her.  
  
Especially her.  
  
She's the one I know he'd protect even at the cost of his own life. Despite the weak familial tie between us, I know full well that he'd kill me simply for putting her in danger, for threatening what those bearing youkai blood sees as her already limited mortal lifespan. I know because it's another feeling I share with that damn half-brother of mine.  
  
It's the ache of knowing that, one day, time would take her away.  
  
Those with youkai blood - whether full, hanyou, or less - are given longer life than humans. But this longer lifespan that is thought of as a blessing by many who desire immortality also holds a curse, the knowledge that our longer lives doesn't matter when it comes to hers. The length of her life is still a mortal human's and much, much shorter when compared to ours - that is a reality that nothing can change. And because of that, he and I want to see her happy for however long she remains in this world.  
  
Perhaps that's one of the reasons why I leave them alone too - because she's happiest when she's with him. And, despite my pain, I still want to see her happy.  
  
But, more than that, I know there's another reason that halts me from taking violent action.  
  
She would hate me for trying to hurt him.  
  
That would be the worst thing, to have what little affection she may have for me turned to hate, be cast back into the loneliness my life had been like before she'd entered into it. She could kill me simply by taking away the bit of warmth from her heart that she has for me now. And I knew she would never, ever forgive me for trying to harm the one she loves so deeply because I have seen many times just how far she'd go to protect those she cares about, even at great cost to herself.  
  
All I had to do was remember all the times she'd run interference between him and myself as she'd worked to get us to reconcile the hostility that we held towards each other. More than once, she'd even thrown herself physically into danger in an effort to stop us from fighting one another. Just the nightmarish memory of how her body had suddenly appeared between us in the midst of heated battle was enough to make me shudder as I recall how close her life had come to being extinguished permanently.  
  
If that had happened, then neither one of us would have her.  
  
Being on the outskirts of her heart was better than nothing.  
  
As long as she was alive, I can bear through the pain of watching her with him, if only as a way to thank her for all she'd done for me. Not only for offering me the warmth of her friendship, but for being essential in helping bring about the defeat of my, no, our most hated enemy.  
  
Naraku.  
  
After all the desperate battles, he was gone now, completely obliterated, along with the Shikon no Tama that had been eradicated with him. With both of them absent from the world, maybe living would be more peaceful for both youkai and humans alike. But, still, she'd had to sacrifice so much for the use of the Shikon no Tama in the destruction of Naraku had stranded her in this world.  
  
With obliteration of the jewel had disappeared her chances of returning to her own time and her family. She was stranded in the past, with all of us.  
  
She had cried.  
  
Remembering how devastated she had been when she had discovered that she would no longer be able to see her family caused a painful ache in my own heart that I hadn't thought possible until I'd met her. However, that inner strength of hers that I had once found so annoying but came to eventually admire had her throwing herself determinedly into mending the rift between my brother and I, a gap that had already begun to slowly start closing when the fight with Naraku had us all joining forces.  
  
Amazing, really, what she had accomplished.  
  
With my half-brother being as stubborn as me, though I'd never admit the likeness out loud, she'd somehow managed to bring us closer together than we would have been if left on our own.  
  
And, for a while, I had a true brother instead of someone I was only related to by blood.  
  
Until we both found ourselves in love with her.  
  
No one, I'm sure, can miss the irony of how the one that brought us together is the one that now keeps us apart.  
  
But I know it's just as painful to her as it is to us because all of us know how she hates being the cause of other people's pain. Maybe it's not so surprising that we both grew to love her, after all, because she does consider us people. Even though she knows we have youkai blood flowing through our veins, that the mortal world she's a part of despises youkai and thinks of us little better than animals or monsters, that youkai and human alike disdains intermingling relationships between the races, she still treats us as equals. She's not afraid of being seen in public with us, not afraid to talk back to anyone who casts a disparaging remark about human and youkai mingling together, not afraid to open her heart to us whether in friendship or love.  
  
Wholehearted acceptance is a blessed gift.  
  
It's a treasure few receive and even fewer are able to give. But that's one of her talents that we who possess youkai blood think of as a magic of its own. Aside from her miko abilities, her amazing generosity of spirit that seems to know no end is an unbelievable power and makes hers one of the strongest personalities among any race.  
  
I'm not as smart as I like to think. If I were, it would be me with the prize instead of him.  
  
If only I'd resolved my feelings sooner.  
  
If only I'd confessed to her first.  
  
If only I'd noticed quicker how much closer they'd seemed to get before my eyes when the three of us were together.  
  
If only - then maybe I would be the one with her now.  
  
I was blind, thinking that I'd have time to win her completely to my side, confident that my half-brother would be too inept in conveying softer emotions such as love.  
  
Given his violent tendencies that seemed to be so resistant to affection, how could I have predicted that he would get to her before me?  
  
Maybe the one I hate most is myself.  
  
Overconfidence is a weakness, something I loathe, and one that cost me what could have been mine. The fact that she's with him is no one's fault but my own. Although I've said that he and I are alike, that's wrong. He's better, with a strength that I lack, because he was able to open up his feelings to her first while I was still struggling with mine.  
  
Perhaps that's the most galling aspect of it all - knowing that I was so close to being where he is now, so close to being the one who has all her heart, so close to expecting the beloved child of mingled human and youkai blood that grew within her now. But the knowledge of this brings no comfort, not to me.  
  
Knowing this changes nothing.  
  
As I watch them and their happiness together, I'm still in pain, still in love with her, and still hating him because they have what I don't.  
  
The dream that was stolen from me.  
  
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AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is the edited and revised version where I've changed a few things to make it more visually appealing than the old one. Again, I tried to keep the identity of the speaker ambiguous so that it's up to the reader to decide whether Sesshoumaru or Inuyasha gets the sad or happy ending. Since it's supposed to go either way, please don't ask me who it is because that sort of defeats the whole purpose. In any case, I hope you enjoyed it! 


End file.
